I don’t often disclose anything personal about myself for a host of reasons. I like the anonymity of facebook posts without personal reflection beyond anecdotal stories of parenthood or how much I love my job. I get politically heated about human rights issues and equality because it is a personal passion of mine, but this still doesn’t give you a clear picture of who I am. As a whole, I imagine that unless we share a close friendship, you may not know much about “me.” My friends from high school know I was a cheerleader and loved the Cure. Friends from my Dreamwalker days know about all the raves and debauchery of my late adolescence. From the days waiting tables and attending college in my early twenties, people knew me to abstain from alcohol following an intense love for Grainey’s and late nights. I loved deeply and my heart was broken viscerally- multiple times by women and men. People from undergrad remember my passion for psychology, my disdain for anatomy and physiology and all the homework I did at the local truck stop. Then I had my sweet Charlotte.
All bets were off at this point. My focus and passion for creating a successful life became nothing short of an obsession. I wanted to avoid everything associated with the chaos of my youth and get focused. I got married for a very short time and learned marriage doesn’t mean success or happiness. Plan B. My friends from BSU housing knew me as a driven single mom with a noticeable jaded exterior. In grad school, I was known as the same though I became more inquisitive of other subcultures as it related to my professional competency. One of these subcultures I explored was the LDS church. Man, these people have it together. Not only are they highly organized and super nice- they really value family. Non-denominational churches had been so damaging to me as a kiddo, I liked how different it was. The women I knew from BSU housing that were LDS appeared to be very happy and supported by their husbands in parenting. This was something I deeply longed for because to put it mildly, being a single parent sucks. I saw a huge support system for kids, and just good clean fun. I studied the origins of the church and although some things seemed extra super strange to me- I figured heck, despite some minor details it seems like this church has created a lot of happiness in people’s lives! A catholic friend of mine concurred with her own church stating, she takes what makes sense to her and leaves the rest. My “leaves the rest” was their stance on gay marriage. I love gay people. I’m (mostly) one of them. Those visceral heartaches of the past had led me to the solid stance of NOT dating women anymore. Big fat monster pain and drama. I did not want Charlotte to be witness to any heartache or drama or mommy going into a deep year-long depression, as in the past. I have a solution! No more ladies. I can be squeaky clean, educated, work my bum off and make a life for Charlotte and I!
After graduate school, I worked in hospice. I learned something right away. Very old rural Idahoans are a) religious as heck b) have strong feelings about gay people, minorities, democrats etc… This was such a bizarre transition for me. I met these sweet little darlings who detested many of the things I identify with, if not personally, as an advocate. It was a lesson to learn for me- to not judge them harshly for their limited exposure, education and core belief systems. We all have a right to our own beliefs yes? Yes. What a practice in patience. I started to see some beautiful things about people with different belief systems. I could never align with bigotry of any kind I truly tried to find something beautiful about everyone.
Amidst this transition into my career life, I was hit with a very intense and serious depression. It was triggered by events I will continue to keep private, but I was left deeply shaken by human nature, goodness, my own sense of worth and I had a profoundly difficult time pulling myself out of it with every support system and coping skill I could muster up. I found myself supported by unconditional kindness of friends, many of whom were LDS. Everything I had operated on until that time had failed, disappointed and betrayed me. It would be an understatement to describe myself as vulnerable. Hope and acceptance are very powerful things. In hospice, spirituality becomes so much more pronounced than it is in normal everyday life. I saw too many things to deny the existence of a greater being and always endorsed a faith of some kind, though ambiguous. Again, these LDS people have it together. They support each other and appear to have a healthy understanding of the separation of church and state in Sunday meetings. Their families seem to be really happy, they are kind and shovel your driveway to surprise you and make yummy treats. Heck, from the bottom of depression the only way is up. I joined in! I got baptized, got a calling teaching primary, went to all the meetings, ward events, visiting teaching- the whole bit! It was lovely. I felt genuine kindness from the people around me. They had a high standard for respecting women, which I appreciated. A lot of people think that LDS women are subservient. In some cases, this may be true but I saw a LOT of reciprocal relationships and men admitting they would be nothing without their wife. It was sweet actually. I thought, wow- what if a miracle happened and I could fall in love with a man? I loved Charlotte’s dad, I suppose it’s possible. I loved that guy I married for seven months too. Lightning could strike again right? I could be LDS, be liberal, be married and have it all --- right?
There was backlash. The liberal folks both gay and straight that I knew judged me for my choices, my very private choices. The social workers I went to grad school with did not practice the “unconditional positive regard” with me that they do with their patients. There was gossip, major familial strife and angry emails. What was with these people? All I wanted was peace and to lay down some spiritual roots. Again, I never bought all the dogma, not even 40% of it. The foundation was legit for me. Christ. I’m down with Christ. Always have been. I encouraged Charlotte to always ask questions and not believe something just because a grown up says it’s true. I was never given this luxury as a child, and I was set on her intellectual and spiritual freedom.
Enter cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is is the excessive mental stress and discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values at the same time. I’m surprised there isn’t a photo of me next to this sucker in wikipedia. I’m a liberal, free spirited, gay loving, social working single mama who also loves God. I went into another depression- yay! It turns out that when you are living in cognitive dissonance, your stomach gets angry, you can’t sleep and you cry a lot. Church meetings became more and more laced with passive aggressive anti-gay speak about how the “traditional family was being attacked” or that people were trying to normalize families without a “mother and a father.” This was in fact pointed toward both gay folks and single parents. Awesome. Members always said to me “I don’t know how you do it.” in regard to being a single mother, working and also having a very tight relationship with Charlotte’s dad Rob, his partner Leigh, her son and their new baby Roxy. I think I was supposed to detest and resent them. Not possible. I was also encouraged to date because as a 37 year old single member of the LDS church, I’m beyond an old maid. I tried. I did. I simply don’t fit that universe of grinding my own wheat to make bread, toting babies around and having neighborhood playdates. I want a vibrant, whacky, colorful and liberal life surrounded by tattooed new age philosophers and artists. I want coffee sipping lazy Sunday’s, interfaith discussions with my daughter, blended family vacations with the Zeal’s (Seal and Zamzow) and pride festivals.
I’m not the kind of person who can learn something from a book and take it as true. I have to experience everything. Some people may find this fickle or indecisive. Not at all. I don’t judge without true understanding. I didn’t know I couldn’t be a vegetarian until I tried it and became anemic. I didn’t know I couldn’t be a nurse until I took A&P 3 times before passing the class. I didn’t know I couldn’t be Mormon until I joined the church for two years. I went in with the intention to stay but it was actually killing me to witness such close minded fear-speak. I know they are just regurgitating the things they have heard for generations or from church leaders or in conference. I know they are just trying to be good members of the church. I love and respect many of them but I cannot continue to affiliate myself because it’s just me, telling a lie. I’m not a “traditional family values” person. I’m a “heck, if you can find love in this world- embrace it” type of person.
Many people who leave the mormon church get angry and rant about the flaws of the dogma or the origins. They nit pick about Joseph Smith’s multiple wives and lacking evidence of blah blah blah. I don’t care. I focused on the good people and the foundation of the faith in Christ. Although I didn’t endorse oodles of details, I was just cool with that until the conservative talks got out of control. I’m not a mormon basher. I’m not “mad” at anyone. I can only imagine how uncomfortable differing paradigms must be for them. Sure, maybe gay people aren’t fulfilling your understanding of Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness but it’s their plan of happiness AND they can have faith in a higher power at the same time! They may visualize gay folks as some kind of sexual deviants seen on a pride float with assless chaps and glitter eyelashes but that’s not the real picture. Gay people are just as boring as straight people. They rent movies and bake bread and plan families and plant gardens. They fall in love and they break up, not because they’re gay but because they’re human. I think the “fear” stems from the unknown. It doesn’t apply to them because they don’t know anyone that’s gay. Or they don’t know they have.
I had intended to stay alone and just raise Charlotte independent of partnership, focusing on faith, friendship and social work. I didn’t know I would get enraged by the conservative rants of my brothers and sisters at church. I had even been advised by “friends” that I was going to be a lonely a-sexual or I may even give up altogether because Charlotte is too old to adjust to a partner in my life now. Just be alone. That was my plan. I had zero intention of dating a man or a woman in the foreseeable future. Sometimes plans change.
I had already made the decision to leave the LDS church two months ago. It solidified things when I had the absolute pleasure and blessing to meet someone out of the clear blue that sparked my heart back to life. I have found myself in the unique position of having to “out” myself again. The first time I did was in 1997. I was hurt by so many girlfriends that I “gave up” on women in 2003 and had Charlotte in 2005. I dated very little and focused on school and parenting. So many people have met me during these years of being a single mom that they simply don’t know. I didn’t just meet people and say “so I have this kid and I’ve dated guys but I’m pretty gay.” There was no reason! I categorized most lesbians as drunk drama queens that eviscerate your heart for sport. I had no intention of ever going through that again. There were different plans afoot. I met a unicorn. I call her a unicorn because she is this mystical creature I heard about in books. A kind, genuine, beautiful, hilarious, brilliant lesbian who is also sane and does not have a drinking problem. She is a unicorn because I thought she didn’t exist. I have pinched myself over and over but daily, she reminds me that she is real and here to stay. She’s also pretty crazy about me. Go figure! The timing of all these life events are uncanny but too big to deny.
This is a commentary on my life, transformation, discovery and authenticity. I would like to thank all of my friends in advance for being awesome. After discussing this with a few close LDS friends, they have encouraged me to give members the opportunity to be kind before assuming their judgement will fall upon me. I will do that. I have faith in you. I have learned so much and loved (almost) every part of this journey. I’m starting a new chapter with a shiny sparkly unicorn that can re-start hearts (both metaphorically and literally). I started a new church last week and was delighted to see that not only is coffee welcomed in the sanctuary, the pastor made a point to welcome the rich, poor, gay, straight etc… What a wonderful inclusive fuzzy feeling. I feel at home and authentic. I look forward to a lifetime of continued evolving and loving with coffee, hikes and laughter. This is going to be good. No, epic.
